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(Not So) Famous Whiteparish Cricketers of the Golden Age

Every team has its list of cricketers who were famous once upon a time. Whether it be Bradman, Hobbs, Hammond, Botham, Sobers, Immie, WG or the most brilliant and majestic of all batsmen, Fat Bob Key. Whiteparish, too, has its own list of heroes who are hardly ever discussed today. Many were the forefathers of today’s all conquering 1st and 2nd XI sides.

Mr J Mag of Romsey (1894-1959)

Started out as a wandering minstrel but quickly got disillusioned with imported crap American country mincers music so took up cricket. His career came to an end in 1939 when Eddie Hitler, who had never played the game, invaded Poland. Returned to cabaret at the Totton Conservative Club’s monthly “Buddy Holly” theme night.

G Abdul Turk (1877-1938)

A military medium paced bowler with a windmill action. Would often bowl well over 100 overs in a day for no wickets due to a lack of variation. Got very upset if the Welsh won anything.

Dodgy Ankles Hamblin (1735-1829)

A demon bowler, employed as a gardener by the fourth Earl of Sandwich (the cheese and pickle one), who appointed many great cricketers to his staff. Hamblin bowled fast and dangerously, downhill wherever possible – in those days the winner of the toss could choose the lie of the pitch. His worst afternoon was in 1775. Five Men of Kent needed one more wicket to beat Five Men of Hambledon. Several times Hamblin bowled “through” the wicket, for these were the days of only two stumps – his language is not recorded in Wisden.

JD Ovey (1800-1864)

JD is credited with being the first official pie chucker in cricket history and the first to wear a poncy “Alice” band in his hair. His liking of woodbine smokes limited his run-up to just 2 yards. JD’s odd and angular run-up was later successfully copied by future England Test captain Sir Charles Aubrey “Round-The-Corner” Smith.

Grinder Hamblin (1733-1827)

Opponents would often succumb to boredom whilst he was at the crease. Once took a full five days to get off the mark even though the opposition had retired to the pub 2 days earlier.

Graeme Colin Bell(end) Trautmann Hey Nonny No Sharp (1885-1956)

Didn’t get the fame he deserved as it was difficult to print the whole of his name on a scorecard. Was renowned for organising cricket tours but never actually played on one due to extensive cock-lodging. Was the author of the 1921 bestseller “The 10 Greatest Pubs In The World”. Also moonlighted as an agent for retired cricketers on the after dinner speech circuit. His most acclaimed speaker was Gilles the Frenchman and his baguettes – What A Carry On!

Miguel The Singing Cowboy (1809-1903)

Despite his 24 stone frame, a graceful (so they say) batsman who, in 1836 nearly lost a leg, severely damaged during a long innings – they did not wear pads in those days. Being too large for an inside seat, MC was strapped to the top of a stagecoach and carried all the way to London to top surgeon Dr Prod, who, fortunately, decided against amputation but did a rectal examination instead. Despite this, MC did have the knowledge.

Tubby Drew (1843-1930)

Another from the Golden Age of the “lob” bowler. Had a ruthless streak whilst batting and would often smash a 12 year old’s bowling to the boundary to teach them a lesson. Due to excessive dining at the Hatchet Public House he would often have to field in a stationary position for the whole of an innings.

Master Noble, 19th Century, exact dates unknown

Started his career as an all-rounder, who opened the batting as well as the bowling and became single wicket champion of All England in 1846, when he beat a violinist by an innings. Sustained a shoulder injury due to the excesses of pig farming and gave up bowling. Best innings was the ton he got for the Smokers v. Non-Smokers at Lord’s, back in 1884.

Bambo 'The Body' Petty (1862-1947)

Perfected the “Over-The-Top Mainwaring” style bowling action. A genuine all-rounder it is rumoured that he once stopped the ball whilst keeping wicket. Carried his skills onto the football field where he was known to have been the hardest tackler ever to play the game.

Lord F**king Harris of the British Empire, Governor of Bombay, MCC Chairman and Treasurer, Majority Shareholder of the Capstan Full Strength Tobacco Company (1851-1932)

A window cleaner by trade who occasionally went to prison for his inability to pay his creditors and once did a stretch for crashing his penny farthing into the vicarage garden wall whilst under the influence. Previously resided in cricket pavilions but was constantly evicted due to local residents complaining of them smelling like a nun’s nasty. Was the first genuine leg side long hop round arm bowler.

Sir G Dear of Old Sarum (1871-1936)

The last great underarm ‘lob’ bowler. In 1909 he captained an MCC team on a tour of Egypt, usually bowling his lobs with the blazing desert sun behind him. Most of his opponents retired blind.

Bronzed Billy Bowyer (1766-1862)

In many ways Bronzed Billy was a rogue. He bowled underarm grubs, sneaks, daisy cutters or, when he did allow the ball to bounce, he stuck great lumps of sawdust on the side to make life extremely awkward for the batsman. He was as much a rogue off the field and it was widely known that he often took expensive holidays abroad after selling invalid insurance policies to gullible punters.

Mr Goose of Hythe (1830-1908)

Affectionately known as Mr Goose (real name unknown) he was a poor fielder, much handicapped by gout. Had to sit in a large armchair on the field to rest after each ball was bowled. After retiring, he became infamous for abusing and cackling at anyone that was either a tart or crap. Once wore the same puke-stained trousers for 4 days on a tour to Devon.

Nicholas Evans, Earl of Wessex (1783-1867)

The first of the so called sloggers and on a good day would often hit the ball into the Squire’s duck pond. Towards the end of his career he had the biggest beard in cricket until WG Grace turned up.

Terry Burden (1805-1899)

Famous for turning up one afternoon with a bat that was wider than the wicket. A portly chap with an ample girth he could hit the ball half way to Salisbury if the ball was in his “V”. However, bowlers soon got wise to his solitary shot and a pitched up, straight delivery would often be his undoing. Frustrated at this, he retired from the English game, took up scoring for a while before moving to Barbados to play naked beach cricket with the locals.

Martin Maladroit of Alderbury (1855-1922)

Was described by Wisden as an “elegant stroke player, but unsound”. Kept wicket and lined his gloves with slices of meat supposedly to give added protection to his hands but more likely to feed his enormous lardy belly in between overs as the 20 minute tea interval was never long enough.

Dave The Grubby Fencer (1822-1889)

Bowled underarm so fast that he killed a dog on the boundary. Won the 1869 Great Britain Moustache of the Year award pipping the Slug Balancer of Old Wigan Town by a whisker.

Billy Fury Feltham (1858-1931)

A somewhat eccentric player, who had no cricket bag and used to arrive at grounds carrying his gear in his pockets and wearing cheap sea-side flip-flops. Fancied himself as a fashion icon and builder but was neither.

Tiny Tim Silley (1852-1927)

Cricket’s equivalent of Fatty Foulkes. Records show that he has never run a single.

Mr Noisy Hocking (1865-1935)

Led the first tour to the Colonies, upset the locals and was never asked again. Did captain a rebel team to Germany on the infamous “Ooh Aah Luft-Waff-Argh” tour in the summer of 1914 prior to the outbreak of World War One.

Javed Malik the 3rd of Kabul (1851-1922)

Wisden Cricketer of the Year for 3 years running in the 1890s due to him having the best cricketing name in the land. Coined the catchphrase “Any shaggers here?” at barbeques.

Pete Fidel Harry (1894-?)

Not much is known about his cricketing ability. However, due to his uncanny resemblance to Fidel Castro, he is often credited with starting the revolution against the capitalist infidels. Was last seen in South America being pursued by the Bolivian Army.

The views and opinions expressed on this site are those of the author and do not represent the official
 position of Whiteparish Cricket Club or its members. All content is copyright of Glyn Turk and
 Richard DaCosta with pictures being copyright of Huw Turk, Richard DaCosta and Nick Evans.